Letting Go

My last week of maternity leave has left me wondering what Emma's schooling would be like if I were home. Could I homeschool? Would that make me feel better? I just keep looking at her beautiful face and realize that I am placing her spirit and life into the hands of someone else for part of the day. This breaks my heart so much. Will they be understanding? Will they look at my daugher and realize that she is more than Down syndrome that her spirit hasn't been crushed, but nurtured. What constraints will they put on her because shes "Downs" as they call it. Her lack of speech that they see instead of the massive amount of work she has accomplished in the last four months. She can now sign or say 56 words compared to 16 in Dec. 2006. Will they see "Downs" instead of my child? I don't know the answer and I wish that all these emotions would go away. It makes me sad that as an educator when other teachers do not feel the way I do about my students. I felt like each student in my classroom was my own. So often they can't see past their job and realize that this is my child's life. Instead of being in a program designed for her and her family she is now in a program designed for many students. Regardless of the governments attempt to make education individualized we know it isn't. How often are our children really in a classroom where the teacher strives to make it individualized for all? There isn't enough time in the day to that, especially when you are trying keep all the balls bouncing with your classroom, principal expectations, and district expectations. My heart has been grieving for so many weeks at going back and I thought it was leaving the baby behind, but I think it is grieving leaving both of my children behind. Maybe after we actually see her IEP I will feel better about everything, but I just wish my heart would tell me everything will be okay.