Today Gracie and I are going to try it again. Today she is going to make it the entire time in dance. Today she will participate in her age group community. I am a teacher this is what I do. We can do this together.
As Gracie rushes to my bed I realize that my alarm clocks slept in this morning, "Mommy, I princess dance today?"
"Yes, today is dance, but it's later not now," I reply as I gaze at the clock. 7:00AM. And yes that is sleeping in.
Gracie gets things together pretty easily and we make it to dance a little early to buy our princess outfit. We go put on the pink leotard, pink tights, pink skirt, and pink ballet shoes. Gracie twirls and says, "I'm a princess now!" I smile and take a picture. Then we go and wait.
"I'm ready for all my prancing princesses," calls the instructor. A sea of pink flows to her. The youngsters look around at each other and follow the instructor in.
10:15 no sign of Gracie needing me, so I open my book and begin to relax and read.
10:32 Crying. Loud crying. I've known that cry from moment she was born.
10:45 "Is her mother still here?" I see my darling escorted out by another instructor. I choke up. But I go to her and pick her up.
"I just can't do it," she cries.
So we go home. I don't know what else to do. ""Well, Gracie let's change your clothes."
"NO!!! I'M A PRETTY PRINCESS!!" She says as she spins around the living room. I realize she won't be taking off her princess outfit. But, maybe there's hope...perhaps they have dance lessons on DVD.
The problem is I want to cry with her. What is it that makes her feel she can't do it? Neither can the other girls; they are three too. What have I done that prevents her from being able to participate? The instructors were so sweet and understanding and gentle. I just don't understand and maybe that is what motherhood is all about...never understanding--just surviving.
Perhaps the problem doesn't lie with Grace, but with me. I thought I had motherhood all figured out. I mean how much more difficult could parenthood be? I covered all that with her sister. I lived through a genetic diagnosis, NICU, early intervention, physical therapies, speech therapies, IEPS...the list goes on,so how hard could a "typical" really be? Well, I think I've found out.
As a teacher I know there is no typical or normal, but I just wish I could figure out how to parent my child who is so full of exuberant life that I want to shout it to the roof tops. I think the real thing for me is fear. I fear what the world will do to this child because LIFE happens. So this isn't really about Gracie...it's about me and my fears.Except, I don't know how to overcome the fear of my child being hurt so greatly it never heals in her heart.
Slice of Life Challenge
I encourage you to participate in the slice of life challenge at Two Writing Teachers.
2 comments:
Wow Lynnelle. Sounds like you came to a big realization through writing today.
I did Stacey...very cathartic and difficult to write. To be honest I almost went back and deleted it, but I ask my students everyday to take these risks. I need to be the example.
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